Here is me...making myself type something to renew my committment to this blog.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Friday, November 28, 2008
I fell in love for the first time when i was 19...the problem was I didnt know it at the time. A little background. I moved to boston, ma in september of 1993 to start my community service commitment. City Year. the beginning of my life. the year that shaped and molded me into the woman i would eventually become. Picture going to summer camp.....alone....without knowing one single person....extend the summer camp for a full 9 months....you got City Year. i was destined for big things...i could feel it. We started with a camping trip....my previous experience with camping was a disaster....so i was NOT optimistic....but atleast this time i didnt have to sleep on the ground while it was raining. I am bunked with these random girls...black, white, asian, hispanic, hatian..you name it...they were their. All of the folks there were from Boston or somewhere on the eastcoast and suddenly..my midwestern accent sounded very much "country". I was asked where I was from and when told I was from Wisconsin, i got one of two responses..the first was, wow...i didnt know they had black people in Wisconsin and secondly...wow how far south is that? lol....needless to say, being the center of attention was very new to me (see my previous rants regarding being a middle child). Well the first full day of activity bought me into contact with the boys/men of City year.....and just let me say WOW!! seriously, i think i walked around with my mouth open for a good hour....these were MEN!! not high school boys betting on who could lay who...but men who already knew what they were capable of....i was in brand new territory....i thought to myself...Self.....i dont know how long you gonna hold on to Inni...did i mention that I was a virgin?? ok so fast forward.....I met my now very Best Friend while in City Year..the thing is .....I fancied myself a super assed crush on him....i mean...those eyes....that hair...that accent...it all did it for me....and i think with a little better timing for both of us thru out that 9 month period, we woulda had a thing...maybe even a lasting thing...but it was our destiny to be best friends...and so we are....I did loose my virginity. May 1994, in the front seat of a Corolla...lol...he was 27 i was 19...he was from a island and had a beautiful accent....he called me the ice queen...and i set out to prove him wrong....i still think about it and regret....i made it thru 4 years of High School not giving into that kind of peer pressure and let this grown up with a beautiful accent say the exact same words and lost my mind. he broke up with me 3 months later...after a weekend filled with sex to say that I was in fact the "other woman" and that he really enjoyed having me...and not to turn into a slut now that he was letting me go....seriously...VER-batim....but before all this.....i had had a conversation with my Best Friend. I told him something that I had never told anyone else...i won't state it here...because it's still to personal...but my BF gave me some advice that gave me my power back....he said that if some one takes something from you that you didnt want to give, then it's still yours....no matter what outside appearances may indicate otherwise. that statement alone sealed my love for him and my loyalty to and for him....he made me feel like a whole person again. granted i had never given anyone else a chance to do that for me....but at the moment...it was right. and that's all i am going to say on that. ...
After Mr. Island broke my heart...i was left picking up my pieces.. i was in college now.....going thru the motions because i was empty inside. I got the random phone calls from him saying he missed my....ah....goodies....which was making it harder for me to get over him...because I missed him.....and i would have taken him back. I gave myself to him....with the fantasy that this man would be my husband...i was horrified that i was soo wrong. My rebound boyfriend, poor thing...got the very worse part of me. No sex at all and we dated for almost 9 months. He was a really sweet guy....tried to be play hip in front of his boys, but was such a teddy bear in real life...lol....i remember the hot and heavy make out sessions that I knew where going to end with him in a cold shower. I was using him...plain and simple. Using him to get back at Mr. Island.....not letting myself fall for him....and after he gave me an ultimatum...sex or nothing, I broke up with him....or he broke up with me....whatever.....that was in July 1995.....Summer was in full bloom...and I dated my share of losers...there was they guy who tried to beat me up on my front porch.....he didnt realize i had a brother who was 6 ft 8 inches and alway high on weed and very angry...looking for a fight. That took care of him....then there was the guy who was trying to see me and my 15 year old cousin....lol....we called the police on him..because he was gross....by then my 21st birthday rolled around..i was having a party.....everybody was invited...it was announced on the radio....it was a pay to get in party which means it was the shit!! and i was the center of it all....my kicking it buddy D was right by my side. she and i did practically everything together....on the phone Monday thru Wed....and our weekends started on Thursday! We planned the party from beginning to end...i was so fly that nite!! my hair was hot, my nails were hot...my outfit was just the right kind of hot....and i was drunk by 7:30....perfect...and of course because all that went right.....the party went terribly wrong...there was a shooting in the parking lot of my party...no one got hurt...but some guy was jumped for his jacket and we had to break the party up....at the end of the nite, i didnt even know my name...and i was leaning on this guy who was intent on taking care of me until my parents took me home....and that my friends is the beginning of my greatest love affair yet......the nite i met my husband.....
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
let me back up. Something that happens to lots of people, happened to me when i was jr. high. Only 4 people know that this event took place. I won't disclose the event at this time because it did not become an issue until i was 19.
When I started my Jr. year in High School, it was my first time ever attending a public school. My culture shock was a bit different because I was shocked to be around people of my own race. I could not believe that I now had options!! My hormones were RAGING and I was a ok looking gal....should not have had any issues landing a boyfriend. Except, being in public school i contracted a illness.....it's called shyness...horrible thing to have. So began my life as a girl who used to be so outspoken and outgoing...could barely put two words together to be the amazing flirt i had invisioned for myself. There was this guy...he was a senior, we rode the same bus in the afternoon....gads, he was cute.....and i border line stalked him for almost a year. he didnt give me the time of day..well except that time i wore an impossibly short skirt to school just to catch his eye. He and his friends had a blast talking about my ass that day. This unreciprocated affection was internalized by me, and felt that the little bit of cuteness I had was all in my mind. So i started dressing to hide my curves and not taking care with my appearance. During this time I put on alot of weight. I felt so ugly and insignificant. At the end of the school year, I met one of my best friends. She is still one of my best friends to this day. "E" saved me from myself during that time...i dont even think she realizes it. She lived around the corner from my dad's office so finding her and becoming friends was my saving grace. I dropped alot of weight the summer before my senior year. I was back to being the old Kesh and was looking forward to maybe being asked to homecoming and/or prom. To avoid the retelling of the sob story, i will just say that "E" was my date to both the homecoming and the prom. In my defense, not from NOT being asked to prom...i just wouldnt have sex the jerk who asked me, so we went our seperate ways.
There was only one incident that shook my friendship with "E". Being teenagers, of course it was about a boy. There was this sophmore boy "D" who LOVED him some Kesh! I was a hot senior (well in my mind I was :D ) and he would follow me and hug up on me all the time. I was flattered, so i didnt discourage his attention. Well one day, I "allowed" him to corner me outside on the side of a building on our way to lunch (our school had open lunch so we could leave the premises during our lunch). Well I had told "E" that i would meet her at the resturant around the corner from the school, and I left before her. I was busy trying to keep "D's" hand from under my shirt and she walked past. The look she gave me, I will never forget, but I didnt think anything of it. Our goal in life at the time was to be as "slutty" for lack of a better word, without being a slut. (that makes perfect sense right?) so anyway, i ward off the advances of "D" and continue on to the meeting spot. You know those TV shows were there is the character talking about someone and the person they are talking about walks up behind them and they don't know it until the crowd they are talking too gives them that look that say, um she is right behind you? yeah well that's how it went down. I walked in on my best friend talking about me to our "click" like i was some regular chick, and not the girl who was supposed to be her best friend. What she said I can't recall anymore, but it was enought that at the time, we didnt speak to each other again until the day before we graduated, which was about 1.5 months from the incident. So when I walked across the stage the sunny day in June, I cried because I had my friend back, who was brave enough to possibly face my rejection, to apologize to me for doggin' me out. Our carefully made summer plans had be ruined tho. During our "unfriend" time, i made some decisions that did not include her. I had signed up for a program that would take me away from Milwaukee, WI for a whole year....alone...without my parents, or my sisters, or my best friend. It was too late to back out as I had made a committment to the people that were sponsoring me. I had joined City Year Boston...the biggest adventure to date of my little life.....
When I started my Jr. year in High School, it was my first time ever attending a public school. My culture shock was a bit different because I was shocked to be around people of my own race. I could not believe that I now had options!! My hormones were RAGING and I was a ok looking gal....should not have had any issues landing a boyfriend. Except, being in public school i contracted a illness.....it's called shyness...horrible thing to have. So began my life as a girl who used to be so outspoken and outgoing...could barely put two words together to be the amazing flirt i had invisioned for myself. There was this guy...he was a senior, we rode the same bus in the afternoon....gads, he was cute.....and i border line stalked him for almost a year. he didnt give me the time of day..well except that time i wore an impossibly short skirt to school just to catch his eye. He and his friends had a blast talking about my ass that day. This unreciprocated affection was internalized by me, and felt that the little bit of cuteness I had was all in my mind. So i started dressing to hide my curves and not taking care with my appearance. During this time I put on alot of weight. I felt so ugly and insignificant. At the end of the school year, I met one of my best friends. She is still one of my best friends to this day. "E" saved me from myself during that time...i dont even think she realizes it. She lived around the corner from my dad's office so finding her and becoming friends was my saving grace. I dropped alot of weight the summer before my senior year. I was back to being the old Kesh and was looking forward to maybe being asked to homecoming and/or prom. To avoid the retelling of the sob story, i will just say that "E" was my date to both the homecoming and the prom. In my defense, not from NOT being asked to prom...i just wouldnt have sex the jerk who asked me, so we went our seperate ways.
There was only one incident that shook my friendship with "E". Being teenagers, of course it was about a boy. There was this sophmore boy "D" who LOVED him some Kesh! I was a hot senior (well in my mind I was :D ) and he would follow me and hug up on me all the time. I was flattered, so i didnt discourage his attention. Well one day, I "allowed" him to corner me outside on the side of a building on our way to lunch (our school had open lunch so we could leave the premises during our lunch). Well I had told "E" that i would meet her at the resturant around the corner from the school, and I left before her. I was busy trying to keep "D's" hand from under my shirt and she walked past. The look she gave me, I will never forget, but I didnt think anything of it. Our goal in life at the time was to be as "slutty" for lack of a better word, without being a slut. (that makes perfect sense right?) so anyway, i ward off the advances of "D" and continue on to the meeting spot. You know those TV shows were there is the character talking about someone and the person they are talking about walks up behind them and they don't know it until the crowd they are talking too gives them that look that say, um she is right behind you? yeah well that's how it went down. I walked in on my best friend talking about me to our "click" like i was some regular chick, and not the girl who was supposed to be her best friend. What she said I can't recall anymore, but it was enought that at the time, we didnt speak to each other again until the day before we graduated, which was about 1.5 months from the incident. So when I walked across the stage the sunny day in June, I cried because I had my friend back, who was brave enough to possibly face my rejection, to apologize to me for doggin' me out. Our carefully made summer plans had be ruined tho. During our "unfriend" time, i made some decisions that did not include her. I had signed up for a program that would take me away from Milwaukee, WI for a whole year....alone...without my parents, or my sisters, or my best friend. It was too late to back out as I had made a committment to the people that were sponsoring me. I had joined City Year Boston...the biggest adventure to date of my little life.....
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
i guess I should start at the beginning. I am the middle child of 5. That means for me that I have no specialness about me. My sister is three years older than me...she was the first born, and the first girl. Then came me...not the first girl, not the first child. Then my brother was born, three years after me...the first boy, pride of my dad...then came my sister...the baby girl....then came my brother..the last child..the baby boy.... i was the mean one growing up. the one that acted like nothing mattered and that I didn't give a damn about this and that....when deep in my heart all I wanted to be was special.
I went to a private Lutheran Grade School (k-8). My parents were very active in the church and school. My mom was the president of the PTA for as long as I could remember. My mom was a leader and she did her job very well. My dad, even though he got active fairly late (we became members the same year, 1989) was president of the congregation. My point to this is that, when you have active parents in your home, school and church life....you kind of distort the lines of when home ends and school begins, where school ends and church begins, etc. I always thought i was soo popular at school and church. I had a cocoon built around me that was fairly impenetrable. Needless to say when went to High School, it was a private Lutheran School, so the cocoon was still intact. My real...REAL life did not begin until my Jr. Year in High School...
Starting out
Hello,
this blog was created to document a new journey in my life. I am 33 years old. I am a wife. I am a mother to three (5 if you count the dogs). Somewhere in the last 13 years, I have lost myself....I am on a search for the girl I was, and the woman I should have been....
this blog was created to document a new journey in my life. I am 33 years old. I am a wife. I am a mother to three (5 if you count the dogs). Somewhere in the last 13 years, I have lost myself....I am on a search for the girl I was, and the woman I should have been....
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