Tuesday, November 4, 2008

let me back up. Something that happens to lots of people, happened to me when i was jr. high. Only 4 people know that this event took place. I won't disclose the event at this time because it did not become an issue until i was 19.

When I started my Jr. year in High School, it was my first time ever attending a public school. My culture shock was a bit different because I was shocked to be around people of my own race. I could not believe that I now had options!! My hormones were RAGING and I was a ok looking gal....should not have had any issues landing a boyfriend. Except, being in public school i contracted a illness.....it's called shyness...horrible thing to have. So began my life as a girl who used to be so outspoken and outgoing...could barely put two words together to be the amazing flirt i had invisioned for myself. There was this guy...he was a senior, we rode the same bus in the afternoon....gads, he was cute.....and i border line stalked him for almost a year. he didnt give me the time of day..well except that time i wore an impossibly short skirt to school just to catch his eye. He and his friends had a blast talking about my ass that day. This unreciprocated affection was internalized by me, and felt that the little bit of cuteness I had was all in my mind. So i started dressing to hide my curves and not taking care with my appearance. During this time I put on alot of weight. I felt so ugly and insignificant. At the end of the school year, I met one of my best friends. She is still one of my best friends to this day. "E" saved me from myself during that time...i dont even think she realizes it. She lived around the corner from my dad's office so finding her and becoming friends was my saving grace. I dropped alot of weight the summer before my senior year. I was back to being the old Kesh and was looking forward to maybe being asked to homecoming and/or prom. To avoid the retelling of the sob story, i will just say that "E" was my date to both the homecoming and the prom. In my defense, not from NOT being asked to prom...i just wouldnt have sex the jerk who asked me, so we went our seperate ways.

There was only one incident that shook my friendship with "E". Being teenagers, of course it was about a boy. There was this sophmore boy "D" who LOVED him some Kesh! I was a hot senior (well in my mind I was :D ) and he would follow me and hug up on me all the time. I was flattered, so i didnt discourage his attention. Well one day, I "allowed" him to corner me outside on the side of a building on our way to lunch (our school had open lunch so we could leave the premises during our lunch). Well I had told "E" that i would meet her at the resturant around the corner from the school, and I left before her. I was busy trying to keep "D's" hand from under my shirt and she walked past. The look she gave me, I will never forget, but I didnt think anything of it. Our goal in life at the time was to be as "slutty" for lack of a better word, without being a slut. (that makes perfect sense right?) so anyway, i ward off the advances of "D" and continue on to the meeting spot. You know those TV shows were there is the character talking about someone and the person they are talking about walks up behind them and they don't know it until the crowd they are talking too gives them that look that say, um she is right behind you? yeah well that's how it went down. I walked in on my best friend talking about me to our "click" like i was some regular chick, and not the girl who was supposed to be her best friend. What she said I can't recall anymore, but it was enought that at the time, we didnt speak to each other again until the day before we graduated, which was about 1.5 months from the incident. So when I walked across the stage the sunny day in June, I cried because I had my friend back, who was brave enough to possibly face my rejection, to apologize to me for doggin' me out. Our carefully made summer plans had be ruined tho. During our "unfriend" time, i made some decisions that did not include her. I had signed up for a program that would take me away from Milwaukee, WI for a whole year....alone...without my parents, or my sisters, or my best friend. It was too late to back out as I had made a committment to the people that were sponsoring me. I had joined City Year Boston...the biggest adventure to date of my little life.....

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