I fell in love for the first time when i was 19...the problem was I didnt know it at the time.  A little background.  I moved to boston, ma in september of 1993 to start my community service commitment.  City Year.  the beginning of my life.  the year that shaped and molded me into the woman i would eventually become.  Picture going to summer camp.....alone....without knowing one single person....extend the summer camp for a full 9 months....you got City Year.  i was destined for big things...i could feel it.  We started with a camping trip....my previous experience with camping was a disaster....so i was NOT optimistic....but atleast this time i didnt have to sleep on the ground while it was raining.  I am bunked with these random girls...black, white, asian, hispanic, hatian..you name it...they were their.  All of the folks there were from Boston or somewhere on the eastcoast and suddenly..my midwestern accent sounded very much "country".  I was asked where I was from and when told I was from Wisconsin, i got one of two responses..the first was, wow...i didnt know they had black people in Wisconsin and secondly...wow how far south is that?  lol....needless to say, being the center of attention was very new to me (see my previous rants regarding being a middle child).  Well the first full day of activity bought me into contact with the boys/men of City year.....and just let me say WOW!!  seriously, i think i walked around with my mouth open for a good hour....these were MEN!! not high school boys betting on who could lay who...but men who already knew what they were capable of....i was in brand new territory....i thought to myself...Self.....i dont know how long you gonna hold on to Inni...did i mention that I was a virgin??  ok so fast forward.....I met my now very Best Friend while in City Year..the thing is .....I fancied myself a super assed crush on him....i mean...those eyes....that hair...that accent...it all did it for me....and i think with a little better timing for both of us thru out that 9 month period, we woulda had a thing...maybe even a lasting thing...but it was our destiny to be best friends...and so we are....I did loose my virginity.  May 1994, in the front seat of a Corolla...lol...he was 27 i was 19...he was from a island and had a beautiful accent....he called me the ice queen...and i set out to prove him wrong....i still think about it and regret....i made it thru 4 years of High School not giving into that kind of peer pressure and let this grown up with a beautiful accent say the exact same words and lost my mind.  he broke up with me 3 months later...after a weekend filled with sex to say that I was in fact the "other woman" and that he really enjoyed having me...and not to turn into a slut now that he was letting me go....seriously...VER-batim....but before all this.....i had had a conversation with my Best Friend.  I told him something that I had never told anyone else...i won't state it here...because it's still to personal...but my BF gave me some advice that gave me my power back....he said that if some one takes something from you that you didnt want to give, then it's still yours....no matter what outside appearances may indicate otherwise.  that statement alone sealed my love for him and my loyalty to and for him....he made me feel like a whole person again.  granted i had  never given anyone else a chance to do that for me....but at the moment...it was right. and that's all i am going to say on that. ...

After Mr. Island broke my heart...i was left picking up my pieces.. i was in college now.....going thru the motions because i was empty inside.  I got the random phone calls from him saying he missed my....ah....goodies....which was making it harder for me to get over him...because I missed him.....and i would have taken him back.  I gave myself to him....with the fantasy that this man would be my husband...i was horrified that i was soo wrong.  My rebound boyfriend, poor thing...got the very worse part of me.  No sex at all and we dated for almost 9 months.  He was a really sweet guy....tried to be play hip in front of his boys, but was such a teddy bear in real life...lol....i remember the hot and heavy make out sessions that I knew where going to end with him in a cold shower.  I was using him...plain and simple.  Using him to get back at Mr. Island.....not letting myself fall for him....and after he gave me an ultimatum...sex or nothing, I broke up with him....or he broke up with me....whatever.....that was in July 1995.....Summer was in full bloom...and I dated my share of losers...there was they guy who tried to beat me up on my front porch.....he didnt realize i had a brother who was 6 ft 8 inches and alway high on weed and very angry...looking for a fight.  That took care of him....then there was the guy who was trying to see me and my 15 year old cousin....lol....we called the police on him..because he was gross....by then my 21st birthday rolled around..i was having a party.....everybody was invited...it was announced on the radio....it was a pay to get in party which means it was the shit!! and i was the center of it all....my kicking it buddy D was right by my side.  she and i did practically everything together....on the phone Monday thru Wed....and our weekends started on Thursday!  We planned the party from beginning to end...i was so fly that nite!!  my hair was hot, my nails were hot...my outfit was just the right kind of hot....and i was drunk by 7:30....perfect...and of course because all that went right.....the party went terribly wrong...there was a shooting in the parking lot of my party...no one got hurt...but some guy was jumped for his jacket and we had to break the party up....at the end of the nite, i didnt even know my name...and i was leaning on this guy who was intent on taking care of me until my parents took me home....and that my friends is the beginning of my greatest love affair yet......the nite i met my husband.....